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Saturday, 26 September 2009

Why is my life so damn retarded?

I work in the Behavioral Medicine department so sometimes I feel bad complaining about my life. Seriously though, I don't understand why shit keeps happening to me. The fucked up part is, it not only happens to me, but it happens to the ones who are closest to me too.

I was reading through my last few entries about Cong and it made me realize all the shit that we had gone through to get to where we are now. It made me realize how much we mean to each other. For once, I can say that I love him just as much as he loves me. I used to always say that it was one-sided and that I love him more and blah blah blah, but it was never like that. He loves me just as much.

All of my entries have been about him, but you know what? He's the love of my life and my best friend for the past nearly 7 years now. He's seen me at my worst and my best as I have with him.

What a journey it has been. January of 2003 until now...I'm glad it was with him. I can't picture my life with anyone else. I'm so thankful that he's shown me what true love is all about. The kind of love that my Grandmother have for my Grandfather. Since his passing, she never remarried even though she was only 41 years old at the time...she's 78 now.

I can't wait for our wedding next year...well, hopefully next year. As long as no other stupid shit keeps happening...I will be the happiest bride ever.

Monday, 13 July 2009

I thought that I should be happy by now...

6.5 years...it's been that long already? I feel like it's only been yesterday. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was sitting at my window in Malden, waiting for him to drive up and park his silver hatchback. Like it was just yesterday, he was calling Bong Voeun's phone, blasting music and driving past my house.
I remember everything as if it were yesterday. EVERYTHING. I remember the feelings that I felt, the feeling of the air around me, the expressions on his face...I remember everything. I do love him. He is my first TRUE love. I now know what love is....it's what I have for Cong. I'll give anything up for him to live a successful and prosperous life...with our without me...I want the best for him. I love him so much that if his life is better off without me, then I'm willing to give him up. I love him so much that even when he looks at me, I feel happiness and satsifaction inside of me. His smiles, laughter..everything that makes him happy...makes me happy.
I'm pathetic, huh? No matter how hard I try to break this habit...of me basing his happiness upon mine..I can't break it. I love him. That's what happens when you fall the way that I did. He became my world...he IS my everything. I want the best for him...even if it's with someone else.
For the past week, I've had dreams...every single one included him. EVERY SINGLE ONE. It was always with him holding me. I guess that's all I want. I just want him to hold me...and tell me that everything will be okay. I just want that security that we will be okay..............

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

It just hit me.

I've learned a lot about myself this year. I've learned that through the toughest times, I can hold it down on my own. I've learned what love is and how it feels to be heart-broken. I've gained a piece of who I am back. I was always the type who loved life, loved laughing, loved caring for people and loved being loved.
For so long I was trying to force someone to love me who didn't. I tried for so long that I lost myself on the way there. I totally forgot who I was. I concentrated so hard to make that ONE person happy that I didn't stop for one second to think about what makes ME happy? What made me happy was seeing him happy. Now that's just pathetic. Why was I basing my happiness on someone else's? I was so dependent on him. He was my world and I think he might still be.
But I've had it. I can't keep caring about his happiness over mine. I can't make something impossible possible. What's impossible is him loving me. He will never love me the way that I love him. That's how I know that what I feel and what I have for him is real. It's true love. Love that you'll give up anything in the world just to make them happy. The kind of love that no matter how much you want to hate the person, it's just impossible. The kind of love that you'll hurt yourself so many times over and over again just because you keep thinking that, just maybe this time it'll work out between you two. That's what you call false hope.
I've given up on love. That's why I've finally given up on our relationship. We're never going to get married nor are we ever going to start getting along. We have differences that aren't able to be resolved and it never will be. So that's why it's just time for me to walk away. I admit it, I'm hurt. I'm so hurt that I can't even talk about it to anyone. I'm so hurt that when I cry I can barely breathe. But it's for the best...for both of us.
Wherever he goes in life I do wish him true happiness. Now it's time for me to start searching for mine.

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

I haven't been this depressed in a long time.

You know how when you were younger and you'd sit there and picture yourself where you'd be when you're older? Well, the way that I pictured myself 6,7,8 years back was not like this. I pictured myself finished with college, started with my career and somehow helping my family out.
What are my results instead? I'm shit. I haven't accomplished shit in my life. It's just getting nowhere. I feel so....so...useless. I don't have a job, no degree, no ring on my finger. NOTHING. I'm so sad. I can barely verbalize my feelings because I just feel like complete shit. I want to finish school, I finally know what I want to major in now and finally know what I want....I want so much but don't have shit. Do you see where I'm going with this?
What the fuck do I do now? I've been interviewing at jobs for the past 3 months and still I've found shit...I'm so out of options. I got bills to pay...I've got a life to start...I'm out of options. I feel as if I should become a stripper. <--ok that was total comic relief. But seriously, I understand that the economy sucks and I've done a lot of fucked up shit in the past to hurt people the loves and cares about me and that karma is a mother fucking bitch...but SHIIIIT...when the hell is my bad luck streak gonna be over? At this point...I feel so stuck...I just want to crawl in a damn hole and stay there. Just fucking mourn my life to death. Ok, that was a total oxy-moron.
On a serious note though, I really do feel like...a loser. My sister used to always pick me up when I'm down and fucked up...but forever now I never go to her about my problems anymore because she has her own problems to think about and she doesn't need to hear about me and my pathetic life. I'm just so fucking depressed.
I normally go through fucked up times and some serious depressed times in my life on my own. I continue to pick myself up everytime something fucked up happens...whether it's family related, relationship problems, or just being my own loser self...I get all fucked up...and then drag my ass out of that creepy hole. Then again there comes a time when you're just so tired....so fucking tired. Right now I'm fucking tired out of my mind. I feel like jabbing at all my serious arteries and just go with it.